The 5 Commandments: How To Wake Up A Human Being

^ AKA: How to avoid awakening the inner tiger lol


Yeah, so I noticed that most people don't know how to wake other people up. I think this is a serious issue that is affecting millions, maybe billions, of lives each year. Dreams are ruined, people are grumpy, some are left horrifically sleepy for the rest of the day, and a bad wake-up can really put a dent in a friendship or relationship. It's really dangerous situation. To be honest I'm literally writing this because I'm tired of people shaking me and saying "MICHAEL WAKE UP YOU'RE LATE!!!". This will definitely be written from my perspective, but also applies to anyone. I'm a certified expert of waking people up. 

Here's some options: 

  1. Make bacon or coffee or literally any food (like literally anything). It'll smell really good, and I'll wake up like soooo ready to get up to get some of that.
  2. Open the curtains or blinds a bit (WAIT NOT TOO MUCH!!!). Oh look at that, it's a nice sunny day outside and my brain is turning on - I can't wait to start my day !
  3. DO NOT GET A PHONE CALL OR TALK ON THE PHONE. Literally worst case scenario. Please shut up and take your convo elsewhere.
  4. Gently tap my shoulder or leg or foot or anything except my face and neck. If you touch my face/neck I'm going to freak out and be grumpy and disconcerted like why is your hand on my neck? Just a nice light tap. And then say (QUIETLY) the time. Don't say their name. Don't want to hear it. I know who I am, totally non-necessary information for my brain to process like a second after it turns on. Ok so do the tap-and-"it's 10am". This is the important part. The sleeping person now gets to decide if they need to wake up right now or put on the snooze button ("five more minuteesssss"). Perfect.
  5. DO NOT PULL THE BLANKET OFF OF ME. Ok like if you're still reading at this point, really just think about how you want to wake up and then do that. 

Keep it real fam. Please don't ruin friendships and dreams by improper wake-ups. Feel free to contact me for personalized advice if you need some. Call me the Awakening Guru.